That tricky thing called Grief.....

When someone you love dies... you grieve the loss forever. Grief never ends .. and I tell you what ; you have a right to that grief and you should acknowledge your pain and openly embrace your ongoing connection with that person..

Though this suggestion is reasonable for some, I’m sure it seems aspirational for just as many others. Plenty of people have reservations about sharing their grief after their loss. Our society usually doesn’t validate grief that lasts longer than a year or two, and it may seem like grief support comes with an unspoken expiration date


Of course, many people carve out safe havens where their grief can exist indefinitely, but these are usually small and sacred corners, like a secret club or a hideaway under the stairs. As lovely as these spaces may be, it seems unfair that they are the only places where ongoing grief can exist.

I will confess sometimes I struggle with the same fear of sharing my ongoing grief. I have plenty of thoughts and feelings about my loss, but sometimes I feel self-conscious continuing to talk about it. I worry it will come off as disingenuous–like it’s attention-seeking or milking my loss. But it’s none of these things. I struggle with the misperception that I shouldn’t still be actively grieving a lot of things at this point. Like I should have made it past the turbulence of grief long ago to calmer and more enlightened skies. I mean, I’ve been putting in the work. So how come my grief isn’t more transformative after all this time and processing? Because I’ve got to be honest, how I feel about my loss couldn’t be more basic so much time of grieving. I miss my mom,my dad, family , friends, and I want them back. Period.

My mother physically raised me until she left this Earth.. Her love and example continued to shape who I was at 30. We are so intrinsically linked; it’s illogical to think the scars of this loss wouldn’t remain forever tender. Even my most profound and comforting connections are simultaneously points that cause me pain because they remind me of something undefinably precious. And absolutely no amount of processing and coping can ever make the reality that my mother is gone feel positive or good.

There’s some relief in understanding that feeling this way is normal. And as happy as I am that you and I get that grief never ends, it’s still hard to live in a society that doesn’t. It makes it harder for us to accept ourselves and the good and bad of our ongoing grief when we live in a society that suggests we should actually work harder to resolve our “negative” feelings away.

We have to stop thinking about grief as something with an end destination (like a journey). And we need to stop believing that feeling sad is bad. The goal of grief isn’t to polish it until it shines with the lightness and promise of something new. Instead, we should hope for the courage to live alongside grief and understand it’s an active part of what comes next. Sometimes this looks pretty, like growth and connection, and sometimes it looks ugly.

I am who I am because of my mother’s life and because of her death. These two points will never stop being a part of my ongoing story. Can I live my life without her? Yes. Can I still find a sense of purpose, meaning, peace, and happiness? Yes. But there will always be a sense of loss because she’s gone. And this is as it should be.

So, if you get the chance, spread the word–grief never ends, and that’s okay.

P.S: Some of you may be struggling with the idea of grieving forever because, well, grief can be a nightmare. You need to know; it does get easier as you find ways to cope with your experiences and, hopefully, support. Many people also find comfort in ongoing connections with the loved one who died.

Also, this is another reason as to why I've decided to start a non profit and support group. I know that there's more people out there just like me.. I know it's hard and I know it's tricky. One day you're fine and the next 10 days you're not. But, I just wanted to hop on for a second to express myself and connect with a few people about this tricky thing called Grief.

I love you all,

and as always.. STAY the course & TRUST the process..

Sherunda Rena

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